Motherhood

I've been struggling a bit lately with the whole concept of "motherhood".

See, for me, it was the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up. My main career choice was to be a mother, and a damn good one if I could manage it. That meant baking, and PTA. Laundry and story time, and late nights. I was determined to put in the time and be successful, to the best of my ability. And for the most part, I feel like I have. My kids are pretty good kids. We all make mistakes, but we're trying to be good human beings, and often succeed in being a little better than we were the day before.

Now here is the hard part. Motherhood is something that is really hard to quantify. There are no pay scales or salary bumps, no fourth quarter bonuses, or performance reviews. You just push along in your often thankless occupation, hoping with everything you have that you are making a positive difference in the world. But lately, that's been made a little harder by some of the things I've heard from my kids.

The other day, Danyn told us at the dinner table that she wanted to be a teacher, and when we asked why, her response was because she didn't want to be "just" a mom. I felt stunned. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. With my head, I understand completely that she didn't say what she did to wound me, but with my heart I remember all those times I sat up with her when she had RSV, coughing and crying because she couldn't breathe. Those nights I worried because her O2 sats would drop, and we were concerned about how high her fever was. Those heart-wrenching moments are imprinted on my brain, things I'll most likely remember until age or senility take them from me. Was I "just" a mom then?

Then there are other, smaller things. The dynamic in our house tends to be different than most, as when Teag is not flying, he is home. That means that Teag takes on a larger share of household duties when he's home than the average husband and father might. Lately, no matter what the situation is, Teag seems to get the credit for all the good stuff happening in their lives. You liked dinner tonight? Thanks Dad! Got a special sandwich in your lunch box? Must have been Dad! Someone packed you an extra treat, wrote you a nice note, or ran an errand for you? Dad is awesome!

Now I agree, Teag is pretty cool, but I do wonder when our kids stopped seeing me as someone who looked out for them, too. Someone who tried to bring a smile to their face with a favorite dinner, or a special treat. The one who suggested the movie night, or eating at a restaurant to celebrate. Dad is now the cool, exciting parent, and I'm "just" mom.

I hope that one day my kids will understand how fiercely I love them. How much I do for them, and how much I've given up for them. I hope they understand that I have dreams too, dreams that have been put on hold to make sure that I am here when they need me. I have passions, and ideas, strengths and hobbies, and most of all? Most of all, a desire for them to be happy. To feel loved and supported, and to one day know the joy of doing all this themselves.

No, I don't have an exciting, work-outside-of-the-home kind of job. But my career is one I chose because I understand it will be the most important thing I ever do.